I can't blame people who decide to go

And maybe you shouldn't either

I don't believe in trigger warnings, but I think I should include them this time. TW: Self-harm, suicidal ideation, possible disordered eating. And a disclaimer: I'm not encouraging you to actually do it. In fact, I might be doing the opposite. You're trapped here with me.

So my friends and family (unfortunately) know that I have a plethora of mental issues.
As mental issues do, they have no cure and I have already given up on finding a medication that will work during my lifetime.
And I'm exhausted. Completely, utterly exhausted.
I feel like the people around me want me to run a marathon and climb up mountains with a barely working leg. The other leg was simply never there. I'm expected to run, climb, walk and swim with a smile on my face no matter how much I just want this to be over with.
There have been times where I starved myself through a week and something in the hopes my body will finally give up, and I'll finally get the sweet embrace of death.
But I'm still here.
I have tried overdosing myself a good couple of times and I'm still here.

Months ago, a friend of mine was just complaining about how much living fucking sucks. And my first thought was "If you decide to go, I won't blame you. I won't judge you." Of course, I didn't tell them this because I don't think we should encourage anyone to take a step like that. The reason why I thought that, is because he has no support system and 0 economic support either to hold employment due to his disability. He was exhausted, and all I could do was listen and give him lies about how everything will eventually be better. It won't. It fucking won't and I don't understand why everyone keeps lying about it.
And I'm both lucky and privileged enough that I have a family, a partner and friends that have told me again and again they won't let me end in the streets because they love me (or so they say). And even with that, I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't even imagine how hard other have it.

But I'm still here and I hate every fucking second of it.
From my own fucking journal:

Being alive fucking sucks, and someday everyone I love will realize there's no point in trying to stick around with me. And that will never change because I'm incapable of positive changes.

No matter how much my loved ones tell me that won't happen, for some reason I can't believe them. And I never stop thinking about it. So I keep working, overworking and burning myself out in an attempt to have something to sustain myself and prepare for the time that moment arrives. And as you can imagine, it never works, and it'll never work.
I'm constantly sick, stressed and tired. Broke and unwilling to "enjoy" life because after +20 years I don't see a point anymore.
There are like four or five things that give me glimpses of happiness and peace but they never last long because real life and capitalism constantly strip me away from them.

I really, REALLY want to end this entry with a positive note but I can't think of anything.
I'm tired of apologizing for being alive and simply existing.
I guess I'm just trying to prove that I was here by the time I'm finally gone.
Unfortunately for all of you, I'm gonna keep drawing and writing until I run my name through the mud for being a big talker but having nothing to show for it.
People have done worse things.